Monday, July 14, 2014

I look like I just ate a lemon. Our heroine continues to question why she insists on emotional self harm.

Allow me to explain.  First, I want to get out of the way that I LIKE lemons.  Lemons make me happy.  But, when I eat one all on it's own it causes me to make a face.  A friend of mine in high school would bring a lemon and a salt shaker in his lunch.  He'd salt the lemon and bite into it while I looked on in horror.

Anyway,  I look like I sucked on a lemon because I had an issue pop up again in the last couple of weeks that I've been dealing with for years.  I haven't cracked this nut yet.  It's starting to make me crazy. 

I tend to hoard jealousy and resentment.  I know that being jealous and resentful is like shitting in my own pants. The only one it makes uncomfortable is me. 

I know where it comes from.  It comes from me seeing good things happen to people I don't like.  I find them to an odious human being so why the fuck do all these blessings rain from the sky on them? 

I know it's because I had my birthday this week.  I was so disappointed on my birthday for so long that I just stopped celebrating for six years.  I was sick of getting my feelings hurt so I 100% removed any expectations I might have for almost a decade I had to treat it just like any other day or I'd end up in tears

I don't get birthday gifts on my birthday.  I haven't gotten an actual gift on my birthday in years.  I'll get a check in the mail from my in-laws, which I love to get because it means I have money to 100% squander. 

I lifted my ban and tried to make my own celebrations to great failure. I try to toss myself parties and no one shows up.  I get a lot of 'I don't know maybe'. 

People wish me happy birthday on Facebook and I feel like the cat's meow until I see how one of these odious people got over 200 wishes on their birthday and they gush about the presents they got, how humbling it is.  I want to scream "YOU POSTED A LINK TO YOUR AMAZON WISHLIST ALONG WITH YOUR PAYPAL ADDRESS!!".  I could post a link to my Amazon wishlist with my paypal address and I wouldn't get anything because that's the way my life rolls. That's why I don't do it. And I tell myself "It's because nobody likes you. Get over it.  Embrace the bitch because it's what you are! Jesus, it's about time you figured out that you have 3 friends." 

Then I emotionally shit my pants and refuse to get in the shower. Why the hell do I respond this way?  The only one that gets upset is me. 

This year, it's all compounded by the fact that I am currently in the Austin airport waiting to board a flight Home.  I refer to Upland, California as the capital aitch home.  I'm heading west because my dad's dad, my last surviving grandfather (I was born with two grandfather's and one great-grandfather.) who will be 98 in October, isn't doing well.  He could still rally and make it to 125, becoming the world's oldest, recorded, living person.  But, he's doing poorly enough that my parents called to say if I wanted to come see him I should come sooner than later. 

This is the third trip in a row I've taken Home that involved a grandparent dying.  I went to see my Grandpa Grant 8 months before he died and then went back for the funeral.  Now, I'm off to see my Grandpa Art for, I'll be brutally honest here, a last look at him. 

I'm really scared.  I don't know how he'll be.  I don't know if he'll have any energy.  I don't know any of that stuff. He could be fine and dandy and we'll have a great visit.  He could be depressed and out of it.  And I'm scared.  I intellectually understand that he's had an enormously good run and is probably ready to let go.  But I also don't want to deal with how it will make me feel when he's not here anymore. 

My kids are in San Diego with my parents.  I won't see them while I'm in the same state, they don't come home until the 22nd and I miss them.  Some fuck up with our health insurance company left us with a huge financial issue this month that will easily take 60 to 90 days to resolve.  Right after the kids get home The Husband leaves for a con in Pittsburg and will be gone for our wedding anniversary.  All the time off I'm taking means I'm not bringing in any money and that doesn't help any.  No, I don't make a ton, but it does make things a little more comfortable in our house. 

I'm ready to burst into tears at Gate 8 of Austin-Bergstrom airport waiting for my flight to board dealing with all of this.   

And I didn't pack a handkerchief.


Anonymous said...

Hugs. Not sure that I can offer anything else from here in London.

Leashya said...

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I would love to see you when you get back and we can celebrate your belated birthday with handkerchiefs.