Sunday, June 28, 2015

Yeah, I haven't updated in a long time

I haven't updated in a while.  Frankly, I've been depressed and don't want to whine at everybody.

But, here's what happening with me. I've been wallowing around in a couple of the seven deadly sins.

Envy.  Oh, yes.  Envy and I are very familiar with each other.  I don't think it's an accident that my favorite color is green.  I've been very envious of the ex-husband.

Firstly, my children  have a stepmother already.  They're not married and I don't know if there are plans for that step to be taken.  However, the Monday after I moved out she was in the house cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and serving dinner at the table.  When I pick up my children she's there.  She's spending more time with my kids than I do.

The ex was out of work from the end of January until the beginning of June.  During his time of unemployment, she paid their bills.  His car died.  She bought a BMW for him to drive.  The first thing my daughter said about it was that legally it belonged to their dad's girlfriend but they got to drive it.

Since the beginning of the year, the ex and the new (well, old really.  She's been his girlfriend for a long time) girlfriend have been on four out of town trips and she produced his album.   The last trip was with the kids to Houston for a Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror convention where they played a concert.

My parents are helping me out with my rent, yes.  And without them I'd be renting a room with nowhere for my kids to visit me.  I'd be reduced to seeing them at McDonald's twice a week. 

I have a place for them to come stay with me, but I have to tell them no a LOT.  I have to explain that I don't have any money.  I can't do things for them the way I want to.  Once I start paying child support, I will qualify for food stamps.  I really need a new car, but that's not going to happen for a while.  When I need repairs I'll end up being like Baby in Dirty Dancing and going to my daddy.  Again. I'm going to be donating plasma in exchange for money again starting this week.

Jealousy for the ex's situation is part of my life.

Let's discuss my birthday.  I have a freak out before my birthday every year because nothing happens on my birthday.  One of the bones of contention between the ex and I was that he'd never given me a birthday party where I had tossed him several.

I stopped celebrating my birthday for six years because I was so sick of getting my feelings hurt when I got a "Oh, happy birthday." from him.  I got a birthday present from my good friend, Chris (she's in the cast of characters), last year.  That was the only birthday gift I'd gotten in years.

I've tried to toss birthday celebrations for myself to so-so success.  For my fortieth, I was in California with the kids and I invited a bunch of people to have dinner with me at the Napa Rose in Downtown Disney.  To my great surprise, sixteen of us had a grand time.  In my previous attempts I got lots of "I don't know, maybe.  I might have something going on that day."

I have a tendency to equate gifts with feelings of love and affection and friendship.  Earlier this year, a person I'm acquainted with got on Facebook to say that she was going to be evicted from her apartment, her car was going to be repossessed and her electric was going to be shut off so she had a GoFundMe going.  She couched this in the context that her "film company" was going to lose it's space.  Her film company is her and some friends who make movies for Youtube that don't make any money.  She works on and off.  And she's done this before, gotten in financial trouble and asked her friends for money to bail her out.

She gets it.  People gave her money.  Like they have before, they gave her money. Therefore, they love her.  Because that's what you do for people you love.  I mentioned this theory to a friend of mine who is also acquainted with said woman.

My friend's response?  "Jesus, Amanda, they feel sorry for her."  Then I started giving myself a bunch of negative self-talk for even having feelings about it.

Negative talk leads to depression with leads to:


I watch a lot of TV. I eat a lot of junk food.  I let the housework go. I get the laundry done but I don't put it away.  I play games on my phone.

Sloth.  Slot and I are good friends.  We understand each other, sloth and I.

And then there's the good stuff going on.

My daughter is handling things beautifully.  She likes to come to my house. She has friends who have divorced parents she can talk to.

I have a job.  I can do it with my eyes rolled back in my head.  With all the stress in my personal life, this is a good thing.  I have weekends off and health insurance.

I'm painting.  As much as my budget allows for canvases, I'm painting.  My new friend, Joel, convinced me to get some size going.  I'm working with as big a canvas as I can fit in my car.  I've done some of my best work in the last five months.  Currently, I'm into elephants and balloons.

And I'm seeing someone.  He writes me poetry.