Thursday, November 27, 2014

Relief and devastation at the same time

Why am I feeling relieved and devastated at the same time?  Because I have been shifted from the job I was promoted into back into prepping for the Korean station.

I knew this was coming, the writing was pretty much on the wall.  As I've said, the chef wasn't talking to me unless he totally had to.  Yesterday, there was communication but there were also several snarky comments. Maybe this is just part of the restaurant industry, or maybe it's just this guy.  Either way, I was a disappointment and a frustration to him.  THAT doesn't exactly feel good.

(When I told Pippi what was happening she told me she already knew the shift was going to happen and they'd wanted her to take over what I was doing.  My response?

"Well that was obvious.  It was like they'd moved in a girlfriend, told me she was a nanny but we don't have any kids."

She said "That's funny.")

My manager, who is the master of positive feedback, pressed the point that they were moving me somewhere I'd be much less stressed and unhappy.  He keeps saying he has the philosophy that if a person is enjoying what they're doing they will be much more successful and efficient.  He noticed that I'm very stressed out carrying the pantry position and I seemed comfortable in my skin over with the Korean chef.

I told The Husband when I got home who then asked me why I had such an issue with responsibility. My past record of handling sole responsibility for anything job related isn't good.  I flip out and end up stepping back down.

It's something to bring up to my therapist the next time I see her.  It's worth exploring, I agree with that.  Then I have the thought:  what'swrong with being good at support positions?  I've excelled at assistance and support.  I'm good at it.  When I was in new housing sales, way back in the early 90's, I was a sales assistant to the women in the company that were the most difficult to work with.  When I went to work down in Norco with a woman named Susan, our boss kept calling to ask me how things were going.  I kept saying that things were going well, she and I were getting along, I was getting her potential client files and follow up calls in order.  Later, I found out she went through assistants like crazy.  I was with her for over a year, something that had never happened before.

I'm having some depression now.  I got the idea to go to culinary school in 1997.  It was my dream to learn to cook and then cook.  I've got some evidence now that I may not be cut out for that.  One of my classmates was incredibly talented at creating dishes.  So very much better than me.  I have student loan for my knowledge, but maybe I don't  have the talent.  I execute instructions.  I can follow recipes, but that I could have learned on my own, the way my friend  Chris is doing.  Maybe this dream is just not something I'm able to make happen.

As you can see, I've lost a good deal of confidence and faith in my ability to create something out of thin air.  Mystery basket?  Jesus, when we watch Chopped The Husband has all kinds of ideas.  Me?  Not so much.

My thoughts are going into some dark places and I'm not sure how to proceed.  I know nothing succeeds like success and I'm going back to where I'm successful.  Nothing succeeds like success and all that.

Hopefully, while The Husband and I are in San Antonio with the kids for the Thanksgiving weekend I can focus on having a good time and looking forward to going back to working for the Korean woman who likes me.

Oh, living my emotional life is never boring........

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