Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I'm feeling better, but I did something difficult today

First of all, I'm feeling much better today.  My chemistry is getting straightened out and my optimism for my mental health has returned. Many thanks for all the encouraging and supportive messages.  :)

Here's the difficult thing I did today:  I said goodbye to two women that I thought were good friends of mine.

Let me tell you the backstory.  I think everyone knows that The Husband and I separated for a few months about a year and a half ago.  After we'd reconciled I had just found a therapist that was a good fit for me.   I was planning on focusing on behaviors I wanted to change and The Husband and I were discussing that when he shared something with me.

He told me that when he'd told some people we were splitting their response was "We're surprised it took this long."  and "I don't know how you put up with that for so long."   The Husband told me somewhat recently that conversations of that flavor had been going on between this group of people and him for some time. 

Here's the thing.  These were a group of people that I'd known for 15 years and I thought were my friends as well.

Two of them were women that I counted among my closest friends.  The three of us were pregnant at the same time and we shared the fear and awe and wonder and exhaustion and elation that was being pregnant. We had each other to talk to about our babies and which diapers worked best for boys or girls and which flavors of baby food were good on ice cream.

We'd all had a shit-ton of fun together. Gotten our nails done.  Taken over the biggest fitting room at Target and dragged in ten thousand items to try on.  Gone for girls' nights.  Gotten drunk.  Laughed until we almost peed our pants.  I thought they loved me.

Apparently, I was wrong about that.

Ever since I was told that the general opinion of me in this social circle was so low, my heart has been bleeding.  Like I said, I thought they loved me.

Many years ago I had an excellent woman friend who turned on me and I mean TURNED on me.  (She had a history of doing that with her women friends, there are enough of us to have a nice sized club.)  One of the things she told me was that no one in our social circle really liked me, they just put up with me because The Husband is great and he was worth putting up with me.   Well, maybe this was the same thing.  I don't know. They haven't talked to me since they learned we might not stay married. 

Finally, today, I decided I needed to let it go.  Which meant I had to let THEM go.

So, I wrote to them both that I'd been doing some very serious therapy over the past year and part of what I had had a difficult time dealing with  was the way they'd reacted to The Husband and I sleeping apart.   Well, here, you read it:

I'm writing to you as part of some intense therapy I've been doing over the last several months. One of the things I have had to deal with is the response Scott got when he told you guys we were splitting up. He's angry that I'm even telling you that he disclosed to me the general opinion was no one knew how he'd put up with me for so long and surprise that he hadn't split with me sooner. I was also told that these conversations had been going on with him for some time.

I'm heartbroken that we're not friends anymore. I really did love you and valued your friendship. So, I'm writing to tell you goodbye and sincerely apologize for anything I did that hurt or angered you.

I cried while I wrote and re-wrote and finally sent my messages.  I'm crying again now. 

Like I said, I thought they loved me.  


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