Right, the job wasn't for me. I quit in shame knowing it was the right thing for all involved.
Now, there's the fallout where I have to deal with all the crap I'm trying to put myself through. I'm seriously doubting my ability/knowledge/whatever you want to call it. I'm starting to tell myself that culinary school was an indulgence where I probably could have just watched a lot of Food Network or worked my way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking a la Julie and Julia.
I'm scared to put ANY applications in, ANYWHERE. I'm having to remind myself that applying to another cupcake bakery is appropriate. I like to do it and I have experience. The owner of my externship site will give me a good reference.
If that doesn't play out, I may fall back on my retail experience to find something part time. Part time is what I need to be doing right now. Yes, it causes an issue with finding something that will let me bring in about $500 a month.
I'm also fighting off panic attacks about where we'll be in ten years. Retirement! Paying off the house! Oh my god!
I'm dealing with being very frightened. I'm forty-one and going into a third career with very limited experience. It would be a lot easier to just stay home.
I'm not feeling good today so I'll just tell you that being clean can make you feel better. I think I'll go do that now.
Sometimes, you have to give life some lipstick and tell it to kiss your ass.
1 comment:
Hang in there, honey.
Having to quit the job was and is hard, but there were very good reasons to not keep that job. Keeping your home life together is huge, and finding a job which is a good fit is a very important thing that you really, really need. That job was not a good fit and of course you know all that.I think beating yourself up and doubting yourself is so normal after an experience like that. And you need to lick the wounds, but then pick yourself up and 'fake it till you make it'- you may not feel qualified etc., but you actually are. You have to just fool that inner critic into shutting up long enough to allow you some action. If that makes any sense.
Just know that you are a very capable, talented, courageous person and you will find a better job where you can shine. Courage comes in spurts and starts, so when you find a little pocket of courage, seize it and send out an application to places you love the idea of working at. Then maybe another, la bit later, then another. It will get easier to reach out. Baby steps towards a job you can enjoy. *massive hugs*
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